Moan for me like Helen Keller
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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