theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
