He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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