that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
