ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize