Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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