I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Randomize
