I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Randomize
