There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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