I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
