Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
