well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
