he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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