I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
