Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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