What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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