I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
