a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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