I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
