Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
