i permit you to call me
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
