I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
