Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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