Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize