I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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