just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
