i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We have started to decorate penises.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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