so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize