I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
