I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
