He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
