my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
