Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Houston, we have a blender
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
