she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
don't judge my taste in strippers
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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