so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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