i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
