why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
