i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I want her autograph on my taint
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
