dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
