Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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