please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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