i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
