My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
