what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
