my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
