I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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