I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
She made me pour olive oil on her.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
