Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
