dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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