I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
