He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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