I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
