I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize