If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
