and you said cock pushups were impossible
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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